31 Days: Groove Blocker #3

I started writing this post last night and then got a phone call from a good friend of ours whose husband is deployed with mine. She chose not to stay in town while he was gone and I've missed her dearly. It's amazing how quickly a bond can be formed between two Army wives, even better when the corresponding soldiers love each other like brothers. We've been blessed with several of those relationships, but that's not what this post is about.

As I wrote last night, it just didn't seem right. The words I was typing were honest, but not hitting the mark. They were telling the story, but maybe not the whole story. They were dealing with the externals, but not really dealing with the heart and therein lies the problem and where Groove Blocker #3 can be located - My Heart!

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; 

who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9

I have allowed my heart to slowly, but surely be deceived over the past few years that everything in my life was perfectly fine. The reality is that my heart has been very sick - full of bitterness, discontentment, pride and a myriad of other things. There have been days that I have seriously thought that my life has absolutely no meaning and if what I'm doing now is all there is to it, really, what's the point? I've been so ungrateful for the many blessings that God has poured into us, including the 3 little Groove Blockers! I've thrown myself one little pity party after another. I even had one today over how on earth we're going to be able to afford to pay for the thousands of dollars of dental work that I need to have done because I've been avoiding it for years! 

While wallowing in my circumstances and growing increasingly bitter toward the God who gave His very life for me, I've slowly but surely lost the joy of my salvation - the joy of knowing that the trials of this current life are not the end all, be all. It will get better - remarkably better - but maybe not here on this earth. I've gone for months at a time where I haven't opened a Bible just to read. In fact, I've avoided it at all costs because I knew the pit that I've been rolling around in was going to be hard to dig out of. I even told my husband one Sunday morning that I was sick of going to church and just pretending and putting on this face that said everything's just fine, when I knew inside I was an absolute mess! 

Praise the Lord for a husband who has been praying like crazy for me and just like Jesus, he hasn't given up on me. I sure would've if I were him! Two weeks ago, I reached rock bottom. I can't believe I'm going to admit any of this, but it's part of my story that got me to where I am today.

My sweet 4 year old is the quintessential strong willed child, like textbook definition. Unfortunately, his 2 year old sister is showing those same signs. 2 weeks ago, for 5 days straight he had some sort of total meltdown and I really thought I would either end my life or his. Thankfully, neither of those happened, but I do have a large hole in my living room wall from kicking it out of frustration that nothing I seemed to say or do got through to him. It was absolutely miserable. That Sunday morning, we woke up and were getting ready for church and something catastrophic happened, like a cup of milk poured on the kitchen table or something. I lost it again. I remember getting in the shower and saying out loud - "Lord if this is what you call blessing and this is what happens when we obediently follow you, I'm done. I don't need you any more." 

Only the Holy Spirit could've gotten me to muster up the courage to go ahead and get dressed to go to church that morning. Mainly because I knew there would be hell to pay from 3 kids who would be disappointed if we didn't go.  We were late, which isn't unusual, and I sort of snuck in and snuck out! I joked with my friend Kim, who happens to be the pastor's wife and told me that she looked for me and didn't find me, that Dave knew I was there because he was talking right to me tho whole sermon! 

The text that morning was from 2 Timothy 3. The chapter begins with this list of characteristics of people in the end times. Here are a few examples - Lovers of self (that's me), ungrateful (that's me), reckless (never imagined I'd use that as a description of my life, but yep), having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power (really Lord, did you need to go there?). Needless to say, I walked out of church extremely convicted, knowing that something had to change - knowing that I had to get back to my first love - the Savior that I had committed to follow and go wherever He wants me to go and do whatever He wants me to do. 

Unfortunately, I needed to hit rock bottom spiritually in order to see that I was in a world of hurt! The pit I was digging was just getting deeper and deeper. Since then, I've committed to spending time daily with the Lord, reading the Word, praying and just asking the Holy Spirit to change me - to renew and rekindle my love and desire for Christ. I can already see a change in my mind and in my attitude. Sure I'm going to continue to struggle, but I know at any time I can call out to Jesus and He will bail me out in His own perfect way.

One of my favorite passages in the Bible has always been Zephaniah 3:17.

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." 

It just happened to be a verse highlighted in the first day of a 31 Days of Praise I started reading last week. The reminder that God will quiet the chaos that happens in my house and in my heart with His love couldn't have been more timely or right on. Those of you who know that I can find a song to go with just about any word spoken will be glad to know that I've found myself singing the chorus of a great Cindy Berry song based on that scripture that I sang almost 20 years ago in the 1994 Texas Baptist All State Choir. I never imagined as an 18 year old that song would still speak to my heart. 

Thanks for letting me share my heart and my struggle with you.